Atrophy

Things aren't awful, but things aren't great. I find myself in the position of not having much "going" for me: I'm jobless and broke, my relationship has nosedived straight into the ground and exploded on impact, I need a cervical biopsy that I can't afford, and I can't stand my home. You'd think with this stuff happening that I'd be miserable and sad, and occasionally I am....but mostly I'm just *nothing*. I have this funny feeling sometimes that I'm dissolving, that my entire being has atrophied and turned into a puddle of vapid goo. I keep trying to remind myself that "an object NOT in motion tends to stay NOT in motion," but it doesn't do much to shift myself into action.

I'm paralyzed by an indecision about what the hell I'm supposed to be moving TOWARD. None of us really want to be floating, free-falling, but if we're not in motion toward something real and tangible isn't that kind of what we're doing? I try to map it all out, put it all out in front of me and figure out which road I'm going to start down, but so far I've got nothing. There's the typical things I'm "supposed" to want: a partner, a house, a job, another kid or two....and I DO want those things, but there's some mysterious secret ingredient missing that makes it all seem kind of trite and...dull. I must want more than that, right? but....DO I??

Existential crises are all pretty much the same when you think about it, so I know i'm no more or less interesting in my quest for inspiration than anyone else is... and maybe that's a little bit of the problem; maybe all I want is something DIFFERENT, whatever that is. I guess maybe I just want my identity crisis to be more...special...than everyone else's.

I recently saw that quote "You must not find yourself, you must create yourself." I agree wholeheartedly, but that doesn't mean I'm actually any closer to finding the energy to start creating than I was before. And so it goes, this battle for contentment, this neverending search for meaning. It's all par for the course, really, so I guess I'm doing okay.

Never Fear, The New Year's Here?

Resolutions.

Unlike most of modern civilization, I'm not crazy about the idea of the new year being a chance at a whole new life...like HERE'S YOU, NEW AND IMPROVED! In the grand scheme of things I guess the passing of each year is kind of exciting; for example, does anyone else feel like we're living in *THE FUTURE* right now?!? "2009" sounds like the perfect year for some futuristic sci-fi horror movie to be set in, doesn't it? But really, what does the beginning of a new year actually mean to most of us?? A brand new chance to fail at self-improvement? A half-assed goal of self-discovery botched by the mundanity of reality? Don't get me wrong, I'm all for both self-improvement AND self-discovery...I just don't pretend to do it every year on January 1st.

I pretend to do it all year long!

I've spent most of my adult life waiting to feel like a 'grownup', with varied results. There are certainly moments when I'm blown away by my maturity and ability to handle life's little shit storms, but there are just as many times that I feel like a twelve year old kid nervously reading lines off a cue card: "Being a mother is totally fulfilling!" "This isn't terrifying at all!" "I'm so happy!"

Maybe underneath all the resolutions and self-discovery bullshit we're all just trying to find the most sincere way to read our lines without being discovered as frauds. I'm sure I'm just as full of shit as anyone else. And the closest I'll come to a new year's resolution this year is deciding to admit it, publicly.

Wish me luck.