Long story short, I have trouble being (quote/unquote) normal sometimes. Oftentimes, even. Some might say "frequently".
I get real anxious, totally and randomly out of nowhere sometimes, and other times under more predictable circumstances that I'm able to pinpoint as "triggers" for my anxious hyper-active control freak behavior. I try to avoid these triggers if possible but life can be so damn pesky in that way; sometimes a normal day feels like a minefield of potential panic pits. I've developed this bizarre but comforting "coping mechanism" where I scratch my head.... a lot. Sometimes until it bleeds. Anyway, it's gross and I wont make you think about that anymore. You're welcome!
Here's some of the semi-predictable circumstances that usually throw me off a little and drive me slightly bonkers (drumroll!):
-people moving my stuff around. Like, if I leave for work and the lamp was at a certain angle-- when I get home it better be AT THAT SAME ANGLE. If not, I'll move it back to where I feel it's "supposed" to be. And then this often sets off a chain of events in which I move everything on my bookshelf so that all the spines line up and are equidistant from the edge of the shelf. And then I notice that Noa has thrown her shoes all over the house, and I am compelled-- neigh, REQUIRED-- to pick them all up one by one and line them up over by the door where I've decided all the shoes should live. And so on. This is called "obsessive compulsive disorder," and comes and goes based on how antsy and anxious I've been at the time, and...well, also based on how willing the people I live with are to play along with my fantasy that our home is a museum in which nothing should ever be touched or moved from it's designated place. NOTE: I am also a complete slovenly disaster in many ways. It's not that I'm a "clean" freak...I'm a "things put in certain places and facing certain directions" freak, you dig? My pants are dirty most of the time and I usually have a sink full of dishes and I double dip the crudite at fancy parties, but I like ALL THE THINGS EVERYWHERE to be in their places. If they aren't I will pace and get ornery and jittery and be generally unpleasant to be around for an unspecified amount of time. Sad face , right?
-being super busy for too many days in a row. Downtime-- time to do NOTHING but just exist quietly-- is a necessity for me. So I worked all week and had a million things to do every night when I came home and never had a minute to sit and not be doing something? Come Saturday I become comatose. I refuse to participate in anything resembling "socializing" and often feel compelled to remain within in the confines of my home, or even my bedroom, for a solid 24 hours or so. This time is spent ignoring the outside world and often involves staying in my pajamas all day without bathing. This is called "depression", and it comes and goes as it pleases, although having to pretend to be "up" and normal for too many days in a row often throws me for an exhausting loop and gets me all down in the dregs and such. I get real boring and drab, and I don't smile much. I watch a lot of season six of Buffy in the dark, and read a lot of Emily Dickinson. It's like hibernating, but with my eyes open. Except for when I'm sleeping and my eyes are shut, which happens a lot during these periods. There is not enough sleep in the world for me when I enter Silent Hibernation Mode; I'm like the Paula Radcliffe of long distance napping.
-learning new things. I love learning new things. It's, like, pretty much my number one favorite thing to do. Learning new shit is my bread and butter, yo. For example, I'll read something about how awesome bees are and then spend the next week regaling people nonstop with the amazingness of bee colonies until people either grow weary of hearing about it, or I run out of people to yammer to. But other times-- when I'm FORCED to learn something new (like, ahem, a new computer system at work) if I'm not immediately good at it, and if I'm held hostage in that weird way where you have to fake patience while someone tries to teach you how to do something unfamiliar and terrifying-- I freak out. My chest gets tight. My heart starts to beat funny. My hands shake a little. My face turns bright red and I get super hot. I swallow a LOT. Over and over. I have, in the words of the professionals, "one o' them there panic attacks!"
So there you have it. I mean, I'm weird in more ways than that-- I'm a loud talker, a spastic fast talker, an inappropriate laugher, a TMI-er, and sometimes an awkward hover-on-the-edge-of-the-group-and-don't-talk-to-anyone-er. But my main poison is some mad OCD crossed with being a slob crossed with depressive episodes and anxiety attacks. Like the Odd Couple crossed with Toby from the Office with a dash of the bat from Fern Gully that was voiced by Robin Williams. But I'm still kind of awesome and fun in a way, like....both Petes from Pete and Pete. And I have great taste in sunglasses, like Hollywood from Mannequin. OHHH, and I dye my hair red sometimes and have unpredictable angsty poetry attacks every now and then, a la Angela Chase (*disclaimer: my boyfriend can read and I don't have a Rikki). I'm a whole mishmash of outdated pop culture, see that? Check the recap:
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Do you get it all now? Has this been a helpful insight into my personality and neuroses? Or did I lose you at Robin Williams and Fern Gully? In any event, I do pretty okay day-to-day.... and I feel pretty fucking good having written this because I've been trying to find a way to write about my emotional freakiness in a way that I'm comfortabe with (and here I think I've found success!), but also because AUUUGGHHHH PETE AND PETE, you guys! Fuckin' A. That was some damn good TV and I wish I could go ride down a grassy hill on some giant iceblocks right now.
Anyway, in closing: my good friend Rachel dropped a muffin in the car the other day and then used it as a Muppet to talk to me and tell me to chill out a little. This video cheers me up and makes me giggle maniacally when I'm feeling overwhelmed and shaky, and I watch it pretty much daily. Without further ado, I bring you Muffin Love!
Godspeed, blog readers, and don't forget to try to remember the biiiiger picture, NOM NOM NOM NOM.
-Amy Em
