I Did Not Vomit On The Bus! (Or: Another Day Bites The Dust)

I've lived in Manchester without a car for three years now.  You may be surprised to know that it's never occurred to me to utilize the city's buses, or if you know me well you're likely unsurprised by this because if there's one thing I excel at it's overlooking the obvious.  I like to pretend it's because I'm super smart; my brain space is taken up by so many hugely important thoughts that other smaller things just have no space in there.

Pretending is fun, guys!

My boyfriend helps whenever he can but he has a job (bastard) that he has to drive all over the place for, and he's not exactly at my service when I'm like "I need some new lip gloss, y'all."  There's plenty of things within walking distance of where I live-- a laundromat a half mile away, a grocery store a mile and a half away-- but the problem becomes how to transport laundry and groceries home with my two weak girly hands.  I noticed recently that lots of people roaming the streets around here have these nifty basket things on wheels with a handle (NOT a stolen shopping cart.  Quit being an asshole.) and I was like "LIGHTBULB! DING!  I need one of those!"

So today I decided to walk downtown and catch a bus to the mecca of cheap shit: Walmart.  I was going to get myself one of those rolly basket cart things, goddammit!  I looked up the twelve bus routes in Manch Angeles and figured that the Eight was what I wanted.  It left from the Radisson downtown at 1pm today, so at 12:30 I set out to stroll downtown and find my destiny.

Only when I got to the end of my street I realized the sky looked like it was about to rain fire and brimstone upon me, so I hustled back home to grab my adorable clear bubble umbrella.  I'm always dying to use it because seriously, it's adorable, but as a general rule it only rains when I don't have it with me.  SOOO....by going home to get it I ensured that there was a 100% chance there was zero chance I'd end up needing it.

                                                       Ri-Ri:  Always prepared!

Guess who was right about going home for the umbrella precluding the need for an umbrella?  Yeah.  Me.  Always me, guys.  Here's what the sky looked like when I got close to the bus stop:

Hardly the apocalyptic storm I'd sensed on leaving my house TWENTY MINUTES BEFORE.  But it's a good thing I turned around for that umbrella, because it made me juuuust late enough that I saw the Eight pulling out as I approached the stop at 1:02 pm.

But fear not-- ain't nobody gonna break my striiiiide, ain't nobody gonna hold me down, whoa-no, I've got to keep on mooovin'! I sat on a bench and worked on my tan (by "tan" I mean sunburn and freckles) and enjoyed the scenenery:  two super old dudes making each other laugh hysterically, which was adorable although I'm fairly certain they were telling filthy jokes because they kept looking around guiltily.  "Sweet Caroline" blaring from the PA in the park across the street for no reason at all (I had to restrain myself from jumping up and yelling "SO GOOD! SO GOOD!").  Two kids making out.  Like, staring into each others' eyes longingly and murmuring sweet nothings to each other ("Is your mom home? Let's go back there and MAKE LOVE.").

Another bus heading where I wanted to go was coming at 1:30, so I didn't stress about it, and at 1:25 the bus pulled in and a beam of light shone from the heavens and angels sang. I was on my way to GLORY!  I picked the only seat open that faced front, because I was feng shui-ing my bus seating.  I was facing THE FUTURE!

The bus driver was adorable.  When we pulled away he used the PA to say "Next stop: the moon" and then cackled hysterically.  I briefly considered riding the bus all day just to see if he says that every single time the route starts, but I had THINGS TO DO.  My future beckoned me, from a nationwide chain store that abuses and underpays it's employees.  Keep it in perspective, people:  I needed a rolly cart.  I listened in horror and amusement as my fellow passengers passionately discussed "building a giant wall around the border and only letting in the Mexicans who speak English."  GAH!  I'd happened upon the political debate bus!  *I pulled the "let me off" cord but the bus driver pretended to ignore me because he hates me and was punishing me.  (*This didn't happen.)

We got there at 2pm and I strolled into Walmart like I had just been promoted to Lady Resovoir Dog (Resovoir Bitch?), but without a sexy cigarettes because I stopped that crap. 

I was all "Let's DO this shit!" which should have been my first sign of trouble, because every time I think/say "Let's do this shit!" no shit ever gets done.  Ever.

I started scouting for the rolly cart that would change my life.  This was going to be a gamechanger.  Things were going to be different; I was going to roll my laundry down the street to the laundromat in style!  And then the people who work at Walmart and ruin lives were like "That doesn't exist.  I don't know what you're talking about."  I refused to give in to their lies and betrayal, so I searched the store.

Luggage department?  No rolly carts.  Laundry department?  No rolly carts.  Outdoor gear department? No rolly carts.  HOWEVER- a large volume of camo gear which I briefly felt a need for.  Then I opted out because I decided I don't want to get shot the next time I'm in the woods.  Camo = bad.  

Without the rolly cart I couldn't buy cheap bulk snacks for Noa's summer camp.  Without the rolly cart my trip was in vain, because I'd have to walk a mile home from the bus stop once I got back downtown.  Without the rolly cart everything was sad and bleak and empty.  *I kicked over a display case of Gatorade because it would be too heavy to carry home, and I really need it to legally enhance my jogging performance.  (*This didn't happen, but I wish it had.)

I dragged myself sadly around the store and got some toothpaste and new toothbrushes.  At 2:55 I got back on another bus to take me downtown.  There were no forward facing seats this time so I sat in a sideways-facing seat toward the back, hanging my head in shame because all my dreams had been shattered.

                                                WOMP WOMP WOOOOOOMP.

But!  Surprise Twist:  It turns out I get bus sick when I'm not facing forward, guys!  I focused on not barfing.  I took the toothpaste out of the bag so I had something to barf in.  I focused more on not barfing.  The bus stopped at the mall and the mad hydraulics on that thing that lower it to the ground when people are getting on almost pushed me to the egde.  I gagged.  But I did not vomit.

The bus dropped me off where my journey had begun at 3:30 pm.  I slugged along the road, angry about my lack of a rolly cart.  I got home a little before 4 and sadly opened the bag of Cheesy Garlic Bread chips that I'd purchased.  Oh, did I forget to mention those?  Don't worry, they're shitty.  I want my $2.29 back, Lays.

Downside:  I spent 3.5 hours walking and taking busses all over the goddamn place only to fail at my mission.
Upside:  I got toothpaste.
Downside: I almost vomited on the bus.
Upside: I did not vomit on the bus.

So there you have it.  The better part of my day in a (fairly wordy) nutshell.

I am rolly cartless.

Apologies, I have to go now.  There's a shopping cart somewhere with my name allllllll over it!  (I'm going to return it, quit being an asshole.)