Backstory: a friend and I spent a great day yesterday at a 10-hour long outdoor music festival. We had gorgeous late summer weather, we saw some fantastic bands that we love, we ate good food, we drank good beer, took ridiculous selfies, maybe met Macklemore, and danced and sang and frolicked.
By late in the evening when the last band took the stage much of the crowd was inebriated; that is to say, after a long hot day in the sun drinking many beers some
of the people there were shitfaced. Which, you know, is to be expected. I won't begrudge anyone their party time excellent.
Emmie and I laughed and danced with the crowd until suddenly she froze and got a terrible look on her face, her cheeks burning red and her eyes suddenly wide. "That girl behind us just groped me," she said. "She groped me and basically goosed me." And just then a girl came dancing up, all smiles, and shouted "Sorry I just grabbed your ass! It's so nice, I just couldn't help myself!" and then she danced away, oblivious to the embarrassment and shame my friend was feeling.
I turned around to the girl and said "ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW?!" but she kept dancing. Her male friend danced up and rolled his eyes and said "She's crazy, I don't even know what to say." I told him I didn't give a shit if she was "crazy," that she had just disgustingly groped my friend and appeared to be amused by it, and that none of it was acceptable. Period. And he said again "I told you, she's crazy." And i said again "I don't care if she's CRAZY, keep her away from my friend."
And then he got a little aggressive.
"Hey," he said. "It's not a big fucking deal so let's all just enjoy the show, okay?"
"Nope." I told him, because it IS AND WAS a big fucking deal and now my
friend was embarrassed and ashamed and was NOT enjoying said show. "She crossed the line, and you need to get her out of here, AWAY FROM MY FRIEND."
And here's where things got nutty. He got up in my face and told me in a grossly threatening way to quit being a "fucking bitch" and "grow the fuck up and let it go." And I got right up into his face and said clearly "NOPE. That girl just put her hands on my friend's body, it's NOT OKAY and I WILL NOT let it go. Get her the fuck AWAY from my friend so it doesn't happen again."
This entire time the girl continued to dance and laugh with her friends, and every now and then stole a look at me and her dude friend facing off, but when
I tried to look at her and say something to her she would avoid eye contact and dance away, and her friend would get up in my face more. "You wanna make a big deal out it?" he said, "Fuck you, go get the fucking police."
And as Emmie stood nearby, tears burning her face, I said "Okay."
I approached a group of about five officers nearby and said to one of them "A girl up there just groped my friend and put her hands all over her ass and she's really upset. Her friend is getting really aggressive with me and we're really uncomfortable because they're right behind us and we don't know how to keep them away from us."
The cop stared at me. "What would you like me to do?"
"I'd like you to make sure that they stay away from her and that it doesn't happen again!"
"Okay. But what do you want me to DO?"
"She GROPED MY FRIEND. I'd like you to help her!"
Begrudgingly, he turned to the other officers and had a brief conversation. "Okay, which girl was it?"
And because we were in a crowd of hundreds of people I said, "Come with me and I'll show you, I can't see her from here." So he and the other officers followed me into the crowd and I pointed out the girl who'd groped Emmie and guy who had tried to defend her. The cops made a circle around them and their friends and there was lots of indignant yelling and shock on their part that there were cops asking them to move. Once they realized the situation wasn't going to go POOF like it had never happened, they agreed to move to the other side of the crowded venue. "They won't come near you again," the officer I'd been speaking to said. "I hope you're able to enjoy the rest of the show." And he stood nearby to make sure that the group of dancing assholes didn't come back, which is nice because now I was concerned that since we'd "started trouble" they'd just come back and be even more disgusting than they'd already been.
As far as "enjoy the rest of the show," we really didn't. I wish I could say that it blew over and we both felt fine, but the tears rolling down my friend's face made it kind of difficult for her to "enjoy the show." The embarrassment and shame she felt over what had happened kind of tainted the frolicking we'd been previously doing. I gave her a fierce hug. "Are you okay? Do you want to go?"
And through her tears, in a cracked voice, she said "No. I'm not going to let them make me leave. That just really shook me up, and was really embarrassing." And we watched a few minutes more of the band onstage and then looked at each in other and said "Let's go."
So we grabbed hands and made our way out of the gated exit, and then suddenly the anger that I'd felt all along started to bubble up out of Emmie.
"Why didn't anyone take that seriously? If that had been a guy that had groped me he would have been forcibly removed, likely in handcuffs. What the FUCK?!"
And she's right. What the FUCK?
Any time you're tempted to put your hands on a stranger's body in any way, remember that said stranger HAS NOT CONSENTED TO BEING GROPED OR TOUCHED BY YOU IN ANY WAY. If you choose to grope a stranger in any way against their will YOU ARE COMMITTING AN ACT OF SEXUAL ASSAULT. It's happened to me before ("innocent" ass slapping at the hands of a stranger, having my breast grabbed by a dude on a crowded train and being too ashamed to say anything about it) and It's degrading and embarassing and shaming, and it doesn't matter if you're a woman having "fun" and groping someone because you "just really love" their ass. It doesn't matter who YOU are or who the other person is; it is not ever ever okay. Ever.
"Sexual assault is any involuntary sexual act in which a person is threatened, coerced, or forced to engage against their will, or any sexual touching of a person who has not consented. This includes rape (such as forced vaginal, anal, or oral penetration), groping, forced kissing, child sexual abuse, or the torture of a victim in a sexual manner."
Recap:
1. Keep your fucking hands to yourself. You and everybody else in the world don't have the right to touch me, or my friend, or anyone else without their consent.
2. I don't give a shit if you're a woman-- I still don't want your hands on my fucking body, and neither does my friend.
3. If you see someone putting their hands on someone without their consent, DO SOMETHING. Step up and say "No, that's not okay." Check to make sure the person is okay. Tell the ass/boob/whatever grabber to get lost, because they are not welcome there. If that person is your friend? Make it clear to them that what they've done is UNACCEPTABLE. Get them away from the person they've just publicly groped and assaulted. Question whether you want to spend time with someone who enjoys groping people without their consent. Hopefully, conclude that no-- you don't want to spend time with a disrespectful asshole like that.
4. If you've been degraded and groped by a stranger, don't be afraid to speak up. Grab the nearest cop and ask for help. Tell the nearest person to you that you were just groped and need help because you don't want that person anywhere near you. It's easy to say "Don't feel ashamed, it's not your fault" but I've been there too, and it's shaming and embarrassing EVEN THOUGH I knew it wasn't my fault.
5. If you're a cop? And someone comes up and says "A stranger just groped my friend and she's scared and upset"? Try not to concern yourself with the gender of either party, because it's irrelevant. Say "What can I do to help?" and not "I dunno, whaddya want me to do?" Remember that the general public looks to you to keep them safe, and if they're asking for help it's because someone likely feels UNSAFE.
6. Keep your hands off my friends because you know what? I won't put up with it, I won't "let it go," and yes-- I will make sure you are forcibly removed from the situation if necessary.
If any of this seems "iffy" or questionable to you, you might want to sit down and think about what bodily autonomy and consent mean. You might also want to think about whether you're kind of an asshole. And then, if you conclude that bodily autonomy and consent are trumped by you wanting to have a "good time," please stay away from anyone and everyone I know, and the entire world in general.
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